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1993-12-15
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A student was having difficulty with his landings. Seems like he would bounce
it in every time. However, on the first night lesson, the student greased in
all of his landings.
Puzzled, the instructor asked, "How are you doing that? You have so much
trouble during the day?"
The student replied, "It's easy, I continue the approach until you stiffen up,
then I just pull back."
================================================================
On my first solo cross country, I was flying north through the San Fernando
valley and trying to keep track of traffic callouts. Apparently there was a
controller with a similar problem.
He had managed to confuse a commercial jet on approach to Burbank with a private
plane that was transitioning south across the valley. For a period of about
90 seconds he was calling out instructions to them that weren't quite what they
wanted ... and finally the commercial jet pilot enquired as to where he was
being sent.
There was a brief exchange about intentions, followed by an "oops" and 30
seconds of silence. The next voice I heard on that frequency said:
"Attention all aircraft. Previous controller no longer a factor.
================================================================
The 34 Greatest Lies in Aviation
1. I'm from the FAA and I'm here to help you.
2. Me? I've never busted minimums.
3. We will be on time, maybe even early.
4. Pardon me, ma'am, I seem to have lost my jet keys.
5. I have no interest in flying for the airlines.
6. I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons. 7.
All that turbulence spoiled my landing.
8. I'm a member of the mile high club.
9. I only need glasses for reading.
10. I broke out right at minimums.
11. The weather is gonna be alright; it's clearing to VFR.
12. Don't worry about the weight and balance -- it'll fly.
13. If we get a little lower I think we'll see the lights.
14. I'm 22, got 6000 hours, a four year degree and 3000 hours in a Lear. 15.
We shipped the part yesterday.
16. I'd love to have a woman co-pilot.
17. All you have to do is follow the book.
18. This plane outperforms the book by 20 percent.
19. We in aviation are overpaid, underworked and well respected. 20. Oh sure,
no problem, I've got over 2000 hours in that aircraft. 21. I have 5000 hours
total time, 3200 are actual instrument. 22. No need to look that up, I've got
it all memorized.
23. Sure I can fly it -- it has wings, doesn't it?
24. We'll be home by lunchtime.
25. Your plane will be ready by 2 o'clock.
26. I'm always glad to see the FAA.
27. We fly every day -- we don't need recurrent training.
28. It just came out of annual -- how could anything be wrong? 29. I thought
YOU took care of that.
30. I've got the field in sight.
31. I've got the traffic in sight.
32. Of course I know where we are.
33. I'm SURE the gear was down.
34. It flew in here, it'll fly out.
================================================================
EXCERPT FROM RECENT FAA ACCIDENT REPORT
EYEWITNESS STATEMENT
AIRCRAFT: CESSNA 172
PILOT: 30 YRS OLD, CFI, IR
FATALITIES: None
DAMAGE: Substantial
DATE OF ACCIDENT: July 10 1992
WITNESS: Line attendant at *** airport
Pilot came to airport at 9 AM 10 Jul 1992. Line boy reports padlock on his
hangar door was so rusted he had to break it off with a 10# ball-peen hammer.
Also had to inflate all 3 tires and scrape pigeon droppings off wind-screen.
After several attempts to drain fuel strainers--pilot finally got what looked
like fuel out of the wings sumps. Couldn't get the oil dipstick out of the
engine but said it was okay last time he looked.
Engine started okay--ran rough for about 1/2 minute. Then died. Then battery
would not turn prop. Used battery cart and although starter was smoking real
good, it finally started and the prop wash blew the smoke away.
Line boy offered to fuel airplane up but pilot said he was late for an
appointment at a nearby airport. Said it wasn't far. Taxied about 1/2 way out
to active runway and the engine stopped. Pushed it back to the fuel pumps and
bought 3 gallons for the left wing tank. Started it again. This time, he was
almost out to the runway when it quit again. Put a little rock under nose wheel;
hand propped it; and was seen still trying to climb in the airplane as it went
across the runway. Finally got in it; blew out the right tire trying to stop
before the cement plant.
When he taxied back in to have the tire changed, he also had the line boy hit
the right wing with 3 gallons of gas. Witness, who saw the take-off, said the
aircraft lined up and took off to the north. Takeoff looked fairly normal--
nose came up about 300 ft down the runway. At midfield nose came down. Engine
coughed twice--then cut power and applied the brakes which made both doors fly
open and a big fat brown book fell out on the runway and released probably a
million little white pages with diagrams on them. Looked like sort of a snow
storm.
After several real loud runups at the end, he turned her around and took off
in the other direction going south into the wind. Only this time he horsed her
off at the end and pulled her up real steep like one of them jet fighter planes-
-to about 300 ft--then the engine quit!
Did a sort of a slow turn back toward the airport--kinda like that Art School
guy-- and about 30 ft off the McDonald's cafe she started roaring again. He did
sort of a high speed pass down the runway; put the flaps down to full and that
sucker went up like he was going to do an Immelman!
The engine quit again and he turned right and I thought he was coming right
through the front window of the F.B.O.; but he pulled her up--went through the
TV antenna and the little rooster with the NSE&W things--over the building then
bounced the main wheels off the roof of 3 different cars in the lot--a Porsche,
a Mercedes and Dr. Brown's new El Dorado.
When he bounced off the El Dorado the engine roared to life and he got her
flying. Came around toward the runway and set her down--once on the overrun,
once on the runway and once in the grass beside the runway. He taxied into the
ramp--shut her down--and ordered 3 more gallons of gas. Said it was for safety's
sake.
Then he asked where the phone booth was as he had to call his student and tell
him he was going to be a little bit late.
================================================================
Scene: Student and instructor are on a dual, night cross country.
Instructor: Turns down the panel lights, "OK, you've just lost your
lights, what are you going to do?"
Student pulls out a flashlight.
Student: "I get out my flashlight."
Instructor grabs flashlight.
Instructor: "The batteries are dead, now what are you going to do?"
Student pulls out another flashlight.
Student: "I get out my other flashlight."
Instructor grabs next flashlight.
Instructor: "The bulb is burned out on this one, now what?"
Student pulls out yet a third flashlight.
Student: "I use this flashlight."
Instructor grabs this one too.
Instructor: "ALL your flashlights are dead. Now what?"
Student: "I use this glow stick."
Instructor: "Sighhhhhh, just fly the plane without any lights, OK?"
================================================================
"Renting airplanes is like renting sex: It's difficult to arrange on short
notice on Saturday, the fun things always cost more, and someone's always
looking at their watch."
================================================================
Taken from the Last Page, Motorcyclist, September 1991
(The article is accompanied by a photo of a bike in the background. In the
foreground we have a man in leathers w/ helmet holding a large bird from one
wingtip. The wingspan is roughly as wide as he is tall...) ---
Perils of Road Testing No. 23
Staffer Lance Holst recently set a record by claiming the largest confirmed
road kill ever recorded during _Motorcyclist_ testing. In fact, due to the
size of the bird and the circumstances surrounding its demise, Holst was
required to submit to interrogation by the FAA, as well as the NTSB, AAA, the
National Audubon Society and the Guinness Book of Records. We quote the official
FAA report.
"During a routine evaluation session at _Motorcyclist's_ desert test complex,
staffer Holst was traveling at a necessarily elevated rate of speed whilst
quantifying dynamic stability criteria of a test unit. Operating under Visual
Riding Rules, Holst sighted an unauthorized buzzard on the road surface ahead,
eating an unidentified dead thing (UDT). Apparently distracted by a
particularly recalcitrant piece of viscera, said buzzard failed to initiate its
take-off roll expeditiously and was still in the early phases of a full-power
climb-out when Holst (traveling at approximately 200 ft./sec.) realized a
collision was imminent. Holst's helmet contacted the buzzard just aft of the
right wing root, resulting in instantaneous and catastrophic failure of the
bird's flight-control system. Staffer Holst blacked out momentarily
immediately after impact but maintained control of his vehicle. Later
examination of his Kiwi helmet revealed substantial damage to its energy-
absorbing liner, indicating the severity of the impact.
"Eyewitness accounts of the incident indicate the buzzard was not developing
power after the initial collision and traveled in a ballistic arc of substantial
height, eventually impacting the ground in a steep nose-down attitude. There
wa no fire after impact. The bird was not transponder equipped and had not
filed a flight plan.
"CAUSE OF ACCIDENT: BUZZARD ERROR"
================================================================
Story I heard when I was getting my private on Long Island: Local fellow working
his way up had padded his logbook with extra twin time. For a couple of these
"flights" he'd used the tail number of a twin he'd seen passing through his
airport -- it looked like it was from far away, and headed back there. The
checkride was at a bigger airport nearby. After the ride the examiner was
looking at the logbook and checking the totals.
"Nice plane, that N12345" says the examiner.
"Sure is," says the candidate.
"I don't suppose you know that I own that plane?"
asked the examiner as he motioned out the window to where it was parked,
just down the line.
================================================================
If God had meant man to fly, he would have given him more money.
==================================================
10 Commandments of Helicopter Flying.
1. He who inspecteth not his aircraft giveth his angels cause to concern him.
2. Hallowed is thy airflow across thy disc restoring thine
Translational Lift.
3. Let infinite discretion govern thy movement near the ground, for vast is
the area of destruction.
4. Blessed is he who strives to retain his standards, for
without them he shall surely perish.
5. Thou shalt maintain thy speed whilst between ten and four hundred feet
lest the earth rise up and smite thee.
6. Thou shall not make trial of thy center of gravity lest thou dash thy foot
against a stone.
7. Thou shalt not let thy confidence exceed thy ability, for broad is the
way to destruction.
8. He that doeth his approach and alloweth the wind to turn behind him shall
surely make restitution.
9. He who alloweth his tail rotor to catch in the thorns curseth his childrens
children.
10. Observe thou this parable lest on the morrow thy friends mourn thee.
================================================================
A true story (from the latest edition of Australian Aviation magazine):
After a particularly lousy landing by the co-pilot of an Australian
commercial airline, that co-pilot heard the Captain announce "Ladies and
Gentlemen, XXX airlines wishes to apologize for that rough landing provided
today by our first officer".
Some months later the same crew were together and, you guessed it, the Captain
did an even worse one.
The First Officer immediately jumped on the intercom announcing "Ladies and
Gentlemen, XXX airlines wishes to apologize for that rough landing provided
today by our Captain".
The Captain immediately responded angrily, "What did you say that for?".
The First Officer replied "Remember a couple of months back? I owed it to
you!".
"But I never keyed the mike!", responded the Captain.
================================================================
Q. Why did Santa Claus ask Rudolph to lead his sleigh team?
A. Rudolph was the only one who was IFR current.
================================================================
Purportedly real, but I didn't hear it myself ...
(Transmission as a DC-10 rolls out long after a fast landing...)
San Jose Tower: American 751 heavy, turn right at the end if able.
If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off of Highway 101 back to the
airport.
================================================================
Here is a joke that I read in a cartoon in Air Force magazine a while back. I
can only paraphrase and the animation is helpful too, but:
Lt. Green was out on his first solo flight in a T-38 and was feeling a bit
cocky. He decided to see what ballistic flight was like and pulled the jet into
a vertical climb. After a few seconds he got a call from the tower as follows,
"Ghost 53Z, tower. Say heading," to which the pilot responded "Uh, up, sir."
================================================================
A small, 14-seat plane is circling for a landing in Allentown. It's totally
fogged in, zero visibility, and suddenly there's a small electrical fire in the
cockpit which disables all of the instruments and the radio. The pilot
continues circling, totally lost, when suddenly he finds himself flying next
to a tall office building.
He rolls down the window (this particular plane happens to have roll-down
windows) and yells to a person inside the building, "Where are we?"
The person responds "In an airplane!"
The pilot then banks sharply to the right, circles twice, and makes a perfect
landing at ABE.
As the passengers emerge, shaken but unhurt, one of them says to the pilot,
"I'm certainly glad you were able to land safely, but I don't understand how
the response you got was any use."
"Simple," responded the pilot. "I got an answer that was completely accurate
and totally irrelevant to my problem, so I knew it had to be the PP&L building."
================================================================
Big Iron engine and airplane company announced the first flight of the new
Razzle 200 airliner. Chief test pilot Frank Lee Candid emerged from the
cockpit shaken, dripping with sweat. He tried to muster a smile for the
cameras and blurted out, "Damn, I'm happy to be alive."
Regaining his composure, he said the airplane flew "well, and the test was
nearly according to plan." The only deviations from expected flight test
results were a few cases of high speed flutter and one brief but violent control
hard-over, responsible for the highly theatrical snap roll seen on short final.
Henri Flaque, company press agent, noted that the snap roll showed the inherent
strength of the Razzle 200 airframe, holding together despite the 30% corkscrew
twist of the empennage.
Aircraft systems performed "nearly flawlessly," Candid said. The sole problem
was in a landing gear actuator which began an uncommanded gear retraction
during what was supposed to be a simple high speed taxi run.
When the gear left the runway of its own accord, Candid said he was glad for
the opportunity to check out the 200's handling. The approach was delayed
briefly while the landing gear extended and retracted itself a number of times
until the hydraulic power unit burned out, fortunately with the gear in a
generally "down" position.
The new Thruster KY-20 turbofan was praised for retaining most of its parts
during the test flight. "That's one rugged engine," Flaque said. Candid noted
the fuel consumption was "frightening", adding that checks were being made to
assure that the fuel did flow through the engine and not out of a large hole
in the tank. Smoke emissions were said to be well below Pittsburgh Valley
standards.
Several questions to Candid had to be repeated at a louder volume, a problem
Candid laughingly dismissed to a minor, temporary deafness caused by some
"harmonic resonances and vibrations" experienced in the cockpit. A slight
window seal leak which sucked the cigarettes out of his shirt pocket was the
only other cockpit environment problem.
Candid, apparently thinking about his experiences, was still chuckling under
his breath, slowly and quietly, when asked whether he had considered using the
ejection seat, specially installed for the test program. he seemed at that
moment to remember the ejection handle still in his rigidly clenched left hand,
a few multicolored wires dangling from the end. Smiling sickly, he held it up
for all to see, his hand trembling from the muscle tension. "Guess I'm lucky
this baby didn't fire," he admitted. "We made the parachute, too."
================================================================
Federal Aviation Agency,
Washington 25, D.C.
Gentlemen:
I was asked to make a written statement concerning certain events that
occurred yesterday. First of all, I would like to thank that very nice FAA
man who took my student pilot's license and told me I wouldn't need it any more.
I guess that means that you're giving me my full-fledged pilot's license. You
should watch that fellow though, after I told him all of this he seemed quite
nervous and his hand was shaking. Anyway, here is what happened.
The weather had been kind of bad since last week, when I soloed. but
on the day in question I was not about to let low ceilings and visibility, and
a slight freezing drizzle, deter me from another exciting experience at the
controls of an airplane. I was pretty proud of my accomplishment, and I had
invited my neighbor to go with me since I planned to fly to a town about two
hundred miles away where I knew of an excellent restaurant that served
absolutely wonderful charcoaled steaks and the greatest martinis.
On the way to the airport my neighbor was a little
concerned about the weather but I assured him once again about the steaks and
martinis that we would soon be enjoying and he seemed much happier.
When we arrived at the airport the freezing drizzle had stopped, as I
already knew from my ground school meteorology it would. There were only a few
snow flakes. I checked the weather and I was assured that it was solid IFR.
I was delighted. But when I talked to the local operator I found out that my
regular airplane, a Piper J-4 Cub, was down for repairs. You could imagine my
disappointment. Just then a friendly, intelligent line boy suggested that I
take another airplane, which I immediately saw was very sleek and looked much
easier to fly. I think that he called it a Aztec C, also made by Piper. I
didn't have a tail wheel, but I didn't say anything because I was in a hurry.
Oh yes, it had a spare engine for some reason.
We climbed in and I began looking for an ignition switch. Now, I don't
want to get anyone in trouble, but it shouldn't be necessary to get the airplane
manual just to find out how to start an airplane. That's ridiculous. I never
saw so many dials and needles and knobs, handles and switches. As we both know,
confidentially, they have simplified this in the J-4 Cub. I forgot to mention
that I did file a flight plan, and those people were so nice. When I told them
I was flying an Aztec they said it was all right to go direct via Victor-435,
a local superhighway, all the way. These fellows deserve a lot credit. They
told me a lot of other things too, but everybody has
problems with red tape.
The take-off was one of my best and I carefully left the pattern just
the way the book style says it should be done. The tower operator told me to
contact Department Control Radar but that seemed kind of silly since I knew
where I was going. There must have been some kind of emergency because, all
of a sudden, a lot of airline pilots began yelling at the same time and made
such a racket that I just turned off the radio. You'd think that those
professionals would be better trained. Anyway, I climbed up into a few little
flat clouds, cumulus type, at three hundred feet, but Highway 435 was right
under me and, since I knew it was straight east to the town where we were going
to have drinks and dinner, I just went on up into the solid overcast. After
all, it was snowing so hard by now that it was a waste of time to watch the
ground. This was a bad thing to do, I realized. My neighbor undoubtedly wanted
to see the scenery, especially the mountains all around us, but everybody has
to be disappointed sometime and we pilots have to make the best of it, don't
we?
It was pretty smooth flying and, except for the ice that seemed to be
forming here and there, especially on the windshield, there wasn't much to see.
I will say that I handled the controls quite easily or a pilot with only six
hours. My computer and pencils fell out of my shirt pocket once in a while but
these phenomenon sometime occur I am told. I don't expect you to believe this,
but my pocket watch was standing straight up on its chain. That was pretty
funny and asked my neighbor to look but he just kept staring ahead with sort
of a glassy look in his eyes and I figured that he was afraid of height like
all non-pilots are. By the way, something was wrong with the
altimeter, it kept winding and unwinding all the time.
Finally, I decided we had flown about long enough to be where we were
going, since I had worked it out on the computer. I am a whiz at that computer,
but something must have gone wrong with it since when I came down to look for
the airport there wasn't anything there except mountains. These weather people
sure had been wrong, too. It was real marginal conditions with a ceiling of
about one hundred feet. You just can't trust anybody in this business except
yourself, right? Why, there were even thunderstorms going on with occasional
bolt of lightning. I decided that my neighbor should see how beautiful it was
and the way it seemed to turn that fog all yellow, but I guess he was asleep,
having gotten over his fear of height, and I didn't want to wake him up.
Anyway, just then an emergency occurred because the engine quit. It really
didn't worry me since I had just read the manual and I knew right where the
other ignition switch was. I just fired up the other engine and we kept right
on going. This business of having two engines is really a safety factor. If one
quits the other is right there ready to go. Maybe all airplanes should have
two engines. You might look into this.
As pilot in command, I take my responsibilities very seriously. It was
apparent that I would have to go down lower and keep a sharp eye in such bad
weather. I was glad my neighbor was asleep because it was pretty dark under
the clouds and if it hadn't been for the lightning flashes it would have been
hard to navigate. Also, it was hard to read road signs through the ice on the
windshield. Several cars ran off the road when we passed and you can sure see
what they mean about flying being a lot safer than driving.
To make a long story short, I finally spotted an airport that I knew
right away was pretty close to town and, since we were already late for
cocktails and dinner, I decided to land there. It was an Air Force Base so I
knew it had plenty of runway and I could already see a lot of colored lights
flashing in the control tower so I knew that we were welcome. Somebody had told
me that you could always talk to these military people on the international
emergency frequency so I tried it but you wouldn't believe the language that
I heard. These people ought to be straightened out by somebody and I would like
to complain, as a taxpayer. Evidently there were expecting somebody to come
in and land because they kept talking about some god damn stupid son-of-a-
***** up in that fog. I wanted to be helpful so I landed on the ramp to be out
of the way in case that other fellow needed the runway. A lot of people came
running out waving at us. It was pretty evident that they had never seen an
Aztec C before. One fellow, some General with a pretty nasty temper, was real
mad about something. I tried to explain to him in a
reasonable manner that I didn't think the tower operator should be swearing at
that guy up there, but his face was so red that I think he must have a drinking
problem.
Well, that's about all I caught a bus back home because the weather
really got bad, but my neighbor stayed at the hospital there. He can't make
a statement yet because he's still not awake. Poor fellow, he must have the
flu, or something.
Let me know if you need anything else, and please send my new license
airmail, special delivery.
Very, truly yours,
================================================================
Two hunters hired a bush pilot to fly them to a remote lake in Alaska. As he
dropped them off, the pilot said, "Now, you can legally shoot one moose apiece,
but don't do it. We can't possibly get out of here with two moose strapped onto
the pontoons." The hunters promised, but temptation was too great, and they
shot two. When the pilot returned to pick them up he screamed and hollered,
but finally they strapped a moose to each pontoon. Went to the downwind end
of the lake, firewalled it, finally lifted off just at the far shore.
The plane struggled to climb, but the terrain rose faster. They went into the
trees. When the noise quieted down the pilot said, "I told you SOB's we
couldn't get out of this lake with two moose aboard!" One hunter replied, Well,
we got about a half a mile farther than we did last year!"
================================================================
The Pilot's Prayer
Oh controller, who sits in tower
Hallowed be thy sector.
Thy traffic come, thy instructions be done
On the ground as they are in the air.
Give us this day our radar vectors,
And forgive us our TCA incursions (*)
As we forgive those who cut us off on final.
And lead us not into adverse weather,
But deliver us our clearances.
Roger.
================================================================
What's the purpose of the propeller?
To keep the pilot cool. If you don't think so, just stop it and watch him
sweat!
================================================================
1) (Heard on the radio - _really_)
Cessna: "Jones tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!! Do you have
the airfield in sight?!?!!"
Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where
the fuel truck is."
================================================================
2) On a small commuter flight one sunny day, the captain was told his passengers
were nervous about being on a "small airplane." He decided to take action:
"Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. I have been
informed that some of you are nervous about being on a 'little' plane.
Well, let me assure you, there is nothing to worry about, just sit back and
take it easy. It might be helpful to do some sight seeing to put your mind
at ease. Now, if you'll all lean and look out over the right wing of the
airplane....it'll tip over! Hahahahaha!! Just a little pilot humor..."
================================================================
This T-38 pilot ran out of fuel and decided to put it down on a road. He
managed to coast into a gas station and said to the attendant, "Fill 'er up!"
The attendant just looked at the pilot. "Bet you don't get too many airplanes
asking for a fuel," said the pilot. The attendant replied, "True, most pilots
use the airport over there."
================================================================
This story was told to me by a friend who "swore" he heard it on an IFR flight
in Germany. It seems a "good ol' boy" American (Texas-sounding) AF C-130
reserve pilot was in the (that day very crowded) instrument pattern for landing
at Rhein-Main. The conversation went something like this:
Cont: "AF1733, You are on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three
miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots."
Pilot: "Rogo', Frankfurt. We're bringing this big bird back to one-hundred
and thirty knots fur ya."
Cont (a few moments later): "AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now 1 1/2
miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots."
Pilot: "AF thirty-three reining this here bird back further to 110 knots"
Cont: "AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now 1 mile
ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots"
Pilot (a little miffed): "Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here
C-130 is?"
Cont: "No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you."
================================================================
A friend of mine in my unit in Germany used to tell this story on himself
and I thought it was hilarious. Seems he was flying an Army UH-1H, Huey, one
day somewhere up around Chicago. As has happened to all of us, probably, at
one time or another, he just couldn't seem to get his tongue coordinated at
all and was fumble-tonguing everything he said.
Center asked him some simple question and his reply went something like
this. "Uh, this is Army helichop...uh, helicopter 15789...uh 15987. We'd like
to climb to... uh we'd like to descend to 5000 and then practice a shoot
approach....uh shoot a practice ILS blackcourse, uh, backcourse at Grandview
Navy...uh, Glenview Navy..." He said that after finally getting the transmis-
sion completed, and feeling like a dang fool there was a short period of silence
over the radio before someone (who he said you could tell was some Captain on
a commercial airliner in the vicinity) came back with a very short comment of
"Hire the handicapped". He said that he never felt so stupid in his life as
he did about then.
================================================================
Tower: "12345, are you a Cessna?"
12345: "No....I am a male hispanic."
================================================================
Controller sitting next to me is trying to change Mooney 45Q to my freq, but
gets no response. Thinking that the Mooney may have already switched to my
freq accidentally, since he's a local pilot who knew it was coming, he asks me
to check.
Me: "Mooney 45Q, on you on this frequency?"
45Q: "Negative. But I should be any time now."
================================================================
A while ago while waiting to depart from Jeffco (Northwest Denver area airport)
I heard:
An obvious student in a Cessna 152:
AH Jeffco Tower this is ah Cessna XXXXX final for ah runway ah 11 . . .
Jeffco Tower:
You're not on final, final is when you don't have to turn anymore
to get to the runway!
================================================================
Scenario: Crystal clear CAVU moonless night, following the northern shore of
Lake Ontario back from Hamilton to Toronto. I wanted to get fairly high to get
the carpet-of-lights effect for my passenger.
Me: Toronto Terminal, FQOZ is a Cherokee 140, Burlington skyway at 3500,
VFR to Buttonville via the island, would like to get as high as possible.
ATC: QOZ, cleared to flight level 230.
Me: <sputter, gasp!> Say again! Did you say flight level 230 for QOZ?!
ATC: Just kidding; I can give you up to 6500.
================================================================
One of my instructors in FE school told me about this. Apparently the
loadmaster on a USAF C-130 was invited to take the engineer's seat for awhile.
He started jabbering away, not realizing that he was trans-mitting on Uniform
instead of over the ICS.
LM: "Hey, this is great! I see why you engineers like this
seat so much -- you can see everything from here! This is just like the
starship Enterprise! All ahead, Mr. Sulu, warp factor ten!"
Followed shortly afterward by:
ATC: "You wanna get back on intercom, Captain Kirk? You're
transmitting on my frequency!"
================================================================
This was at SBN (South Bend, Indiana); I was getting ready to depart IFR for
Oshkosh in a Cessna Cardinal RG.
Me: South Bend Ground, Cessna 1546 Hotel at the ramp, taxi IFR Oshkosh.
Ground: Cessna 46 Hotel is cleared to Oshkosh Airport via ... [insert
complete IFR clearance here]
[It seems to vary from one airport to another when and how you pick up an IFR
clearance. At my home base I'm used to saying "Taxi IFR" and getting a taxi
clearance along with the advisory "clearance on request" (which means that the
ground controller has asked ATC for my clearance). In any event, it is quite
a surprise to receive an entire IFR clearance in one gulp when you've asked
only for a taxi clearance.
Fortunately, I was up to it: I had pencil and paper within easy reach and
started copying frantically.]
Me: 46 Hotel cleared to Oshkosh via ... [repeat entire clearance here]
Ground: Readback is correct. Twin cessna 46 Hotel, taxi runway xxx...
^^^^
The ultimate compliment on radio technique!
So I set out to taxi to the runway.
That's when I discovered I had forgotten to untie the tail.
================================================================
Heard at the Oakland, Ca airport:
Pilot: Oakland Ground, Cessna 1234 at Sierra Academy,
Taxi, Destination Stockton.
Ground: Cessna 1234, Taxi Approved, report leaving the airport.
================================================================
RBL UA /OV RBL- RDD 360030/TM 1950/FLOTP/TP HXB/SK 018 OVC 115/RM SOLID
UNDERCAST N RDD/UNVFR. "DECIDED I`M TOO YOUNG TO GO OTP THIS" N BND TO SIY
================================================================
Pilot coming in with his buddy who had never flown before:
Pilot: This is 1234 Delta five miles north for landing with Mike.
The tower clears him and he lands. When they shut down, the passenger, whose
name is Mike, says, "Why'd you have to tell them that I was with you?"
================================================================
Seems that Tom was working local with a nervous FPL watching over his shoulder.
He had one air carrier jet just touching down and another on a mile final, with
a commuter holding short for departure release.
"I'm going to get that commuter out between those two jets," said Tom aloud.
The FPL could see that there might just *barely enough time to make it work if
nobody screwed up. But like any good instructor, the FPL wanted to let Tom make
his own mistakes since that's the only way for a guy to learn. Still, the FPL
couldn't help but mumble in Tom's ear "if this works, Tom, it'll be a miracle!"
Tom keys his transmitter. He intends to say "Commuter 123, taxi into position
and hold, be ready for immediate." What actually comes out of his mouth (in
one of the great Freudian slips of all time IMHO) is:
"Commuter 123, taxi into position and hold, be ready for a miracle."
There's a pregnant pause on frequency, and the then commuter pilot says "Tower,
I think under the circumstances we better just hold short. I don't feel quite
that lucky."
-================================================================
I asked an ex-military friend who used to work in the Key West area, about the
weakness of our Southern air-defense, and here is what he told me:
When the military got dragged into the War-On-Drugs, it came under much pressure
from Washington to find a reliable method to determine which aircraft are
carrying drugs. As a result, all of the human radar operators have been
replaced by specially-trained, drug-sniffing dogs. Whenever the dog sees a new
blip on the radar screen, he sniffs at it, and if he detects drugs, he barks,
which alerts the supervisor, (a human), who sounds the alarm.
================================================================
> A decade ago or so I was in the back seat of a motor-glider > being
flown to a local airport for some repair work on a noisy > muffler.
>
> Control: You're unreadable, say again.
>
> Us: I've turned of the engine, is that better?
>
> Control: L..o..n..g pause.
================================================================
Dead reckoning still has its place. We once had a pilot call in and say "Help,
I'm hopelessly lost over Gravette, Ark.". We all looked at each other, and
after a chuckle, the controller for that area asked the pilot "If you are
hopelessly lost, how do you know you are over Gravette, Ark.?" The pilot said
"Because I'm circling the water tank and it says Gravette, Ark."!! (The town
was too small to be on his sectionals).
================================================================
A pilot called in and said he was unsure of his position but he had a town in
sight. Since we didn't have him on radar, the controller told him to descend
and look for the town's water tower, see what it said on the sid, climb back
up and tell him. Sure enough in about 3 minutes the pilot called back and said
"Approach, I found the water tower". The controller, looking rather pleased,
asked "And what did it say on the side?".The pilot replied "It said Seniors,
1978". Truly happened.
================================================================
Tower: Hotel-1, cleared to hover taxi, stay clear of Runway 16, Cessna
in the pattern doing touch and go's.
Me: Cessna 123, downwind for 16.
H-1: Uh, Tower, could we get some progressive taxi instructions? Tower:
Roger, Hotel-1...you're going the WRONG WAY, Sir...(brief instructions).-
..and remain clear of 16.
Me: Cessna 123, turning left base for 16.
Tower: Hotel-1, proceed on course. Break. Cessna 123 fly through final,
270 to 16.
Me: (Pause. Confusion...fly through..? Vectors? No...Huh?) "Cessna 123, uh,
sorry could you repeat that last?"
Tower: Cessna 123, fly through your final, right 270 back to 16. (Pregnant
pause) Tower: ...Kinda like an 'off-ramp'. (Another pause, but shorter this
time) Me: Roger that, 123 takin' the next exit, will call final.
================================================================
Tower: "Aircraft on final, go around, aircraft on runway."
Solo Student Pilot: "Roger" (Continues descent.)
Tower: "Aircraft, GO AROUND"
Student: "Roger" (Continues descent.)
Tower: (Screaming) "AIRCRAFT, GO AROUND!!"
Student: "Roger" (Continues descent.)
So, the student pilot plunks his airplane down on the numbers, taxies up to
where the twin is sitting in the middle of the runway, GOES AROUND it, and
continues on to the taxiway.
================================================================
This is from when my wife was a student pilot returning to HYA from the
practice area:
7MA: Cessna 187MA is 5 NE, landing, with the numbers.
HYA: Roger 7MA, make straight-in runway 22. Say type landing. 7MA: We're a
Cessna 182.
HYA: Negative, say *type* landing.
7MA: Uh, 7MA is a Cessna 182 slant Uniform.
HYA: 7MA, I say again, say **type** landing.
7MA: (Silence) A good one I hope.
================================================================
Here's another one from the wacky minds of our Military controllers at Namao.
A bit of Background is in order: CFB Edmonton (Namao) is a military field just
outside of Edmonton. All aircraft touching down at Namao require a PPR (Prior
Permission Request) number, and have to recite it to the controller at first
contact. Our flying club is civilian/military, and all our aircraft have
permanent PPR's.
One day, we were sitting around listening to the scanner, when a Tomahawk from
a local flight school announced inbound for circuits. The controllers asked
for the PPR #, and the pilot said they didn't know about one. We expected the
aircraft to turn away, but the controller cleared them right-base for 29. We
now pick up the audio from this momentous day:
Tomahawk: "F-XAA is final 29, touch and go."
Tower: "XAA is cleared touch and go, 29".
<Several more circuits later...>
Tomahawk: "F-XAA is final 29, touch and go"
Tower: "F-XAA is cleared touch and go, 29. How many more circuits were you
planning on making?"
Tomahawk: "We though we'd make one or two more."
Tower: "Roger. I just wondered because we were calculating your landing
fees, and you're up to $13,000 now."
<LONG delay...>
Tomahawk: "THAT WAS OUR LAST ONE!!!!!"
<Another LONG delay>
Tower: "Just kidding. Next time, read your flight supplement." ===============-
=================================================
The tower was having some difficulty working a student pilot in the pattern
and it finally came down to this;
TOWER - 95 Delta, do you read the tower?
95D - 675, sir
TOWER - 95 Delta, Say Again
95D - I think it is 675.
TOWER - 95 Delta, What do you mean by 675?
95D - I mean I think I read "Elevation 675 feet" on the tower as I taxied by
for takeoff, but I am too far away to read it now.
TOWER - 95 Delta, you are cleared to land. Please give the tower a call ON
THE TELEPHONE after you have tied down.
================================================================
People unclear on the concept dept.
Just turned off the 10 O'Clock channel 9 news here in LA, a single engine
plane (identified as Aero Commander) went down short of Burbank airport, both
people on board survived. The Pilot was lucid as he was being cut out of the
wreckage & said he ran out of fuel over Eagle Rock & was trying to make Burbank
airport.
Remarking about the lack of fire, the Fire Marshall in charge of the rescue
said, "They are just lucky there was no fuel on board".
================================================================
This CFI and his Student are holding on the runway for departing cross
traffic when suddenly a deer runs out of the nearby woods, stops in the middle
of the runway, and just stands there looking at them.
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off.
Std: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Inst: "What do you think you should do?"
(think-think-think)
Std: "Maybe if I taxi toward him it'll scare him away."
Inst: "That's a good idea."
(Taxi toward deer, but deer is macho, and holds position.)
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for take-off, runway NN.
Std: "What should I do? What should I do?"
Inst: What do you think you should do?"
(think-think-think)
Std: "Maybe I should tell the tower."
Inst: "That's a good idea."
Std: Cessna XXX, uh, there's a deer down here on the runway. (long pause)
Tower: Roger XXX, hold your position. Deer on runway NN cleared for
immediate departure.
(Two seconds, and then -- I presume by coincidence -- the deer bolts from the
runway, and runs back into the woods.)
Tower: Cessna XXX cleared for departure, runway NN. Caution wake turbulence,
departing deer.
It had to be tough keeping that Cessna rolling straight for take-off.
================================================================
I was transitioning through the Lawrence (LWM) area the other day, when I heard
a new-sounding student call up, inbound for a landing, with his instructor
sitting next to him, shouting prompts in the background over the engine
noise....
N23B: (Lawrence tower) UHHH LAWRENCE TOWER (Cessna 5123B) CESSNA 5123B
(7 miles east) 7 MILES EAST (inbound for landing) INBOUND FOR LANDING
(with) WITH (.....hotel) HOTEL!
Well, the guys in the tower didn't miss a beat!
LWM: [Supervisor yelling to the Tower position from background] (Cessna 23B)
[Tower] CESSNA 23B
(report a 2 mile right base) REPORT A TWO MILE RIGHT BASE (runway 32)
RUNWAY 32
N23B: [instructor, now on the mike] YEAH, HAW, HAW, HAW, VERY FUNNY,
REPORT A 2 MILE RIGHT BASE FOR 32, CESSNA 23B
================================================================
I heard this exchange when flying to Lancaster, PA yesterday:
LNS tower: "Cessna 1234X, report three mile final."
Cessna 1234X: "Unable, we're negative DME."
================================================================
Heard in the Bay Area yesterday:
BB: "Barnburner 123, Request 8300 feet."
Bay Approach: "Barnburner 123, say reason for requested altitude."
BB: "Because the last 2 times I've been at 8500, I've nearly been run over by
some bozo at 8500 feet going the wrong way!"
Bay: "That's a good reason. 8300 approved."
================================================================
Direct from the ABS convention at IWS (West Houston, TX): On arrival day for
the ABS convention, an FAA Flight Check aircraft showed up to flight check the
instrument approaches at IWS. Was interesting to watch them try to do this with
lots of traffic in the pattern. Also, the tower was a temporary VFR facility
which was having major problems since the notam about the temporary tower had
the wrong frequency listed.
FL 98: Good morning West Houston Tower. Flight check 98 with you and
we are inbound on the RNAV 33 approach. Will be low approach only at MDA.
IWS Twr: Roger, Flight check 98. Be advised we have multiple
aircraft inbound for 15 and lots of NORDO traffic. [NORDO = ATC does not have
radio contact with these aircraft]
FL 98: Roger, will break off the approach at MAP.
IWS Twr: Roger, break off the approach to the West. What are your
intentions after the RNAV 33 approach?
FL 98: We plan to flight check the RNAV 15 approach.
IWS Twr: Roger, have fun out there.
. . . . as FL98 breaks off the approach
FL 98: Flightcheck 98 requesting frequency change.
IWS Twr: Roger, Flight check 98. Contact departure on 123.8
FL 98: 23.8. See you later
. . . several minutes later
FL 98: West Houston Tower, Flight check 98 back with you on the
RNAV 15 approach. Low approach only.
IWS Twr: Roger Flight check 98. Be advised we have multiple NORDO
aircraft in the pattern and 15 is the active at West Houston.
FL 98: Roger. By the way, ar you aware that the localizer to 15
is out of service? <side note, there is no LOC 15!>
IWS Twr: Uhhh - we weren't aware that there was a localizer at this
airport. Say again.
FL 98: Isn't this Southwest?
IWS Twr: Negative sir. Houston Southwest is 21 miles SE of here.
FL 98: Oops, never mind. We're at the wrong airport.
IWS Twr: No problem. By the way, the LOC at Southwest is to runway 9.
Say intentions.
FL 98: Think we want to start this day over again. We'll complete
checking the RNAV 15 and be departing the area.
IWS Twr: Roger. At the MAP, make a right turn westbound and contact
departure on 123.8. No one in the TRACON is ever going to believe this story.
================================================================
About five years ago I worked at an FBO in Atlanta on the line. The Sales
Dept. would let us ferry a/c whenever they had something we could handle, so
I ended up ferrying a Saratoga out to Johnson Co. Executive about 20 or so
miles south of Kansas City.
The guy to whom I delivered the plane flew me over to Kansas City Int'l in a
Malibu to hop a Delta flight back to Atlanta. Real nice day, about dusk, and
we were being vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land......
KC Appch: "Malibu 229, you're following a 727, one o'clock and three miles."
Us: "We've got him. We'll follow him."
KC Appch: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven o'clock and
three miles. Do you have that traffic?"
Delta 105: (long pause, and in a thick southern drawl) "Wwweelllll, I've got
something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle, though."
================================================================
My favorite ATC story involves an old-timer who would get rather excited
when it got busy. It seemed as if he would think up zingers at home and use
'em at some convenient moment. Anyway, he's working USA553 westbound and is
about to turn him over to Cleveland...
Controller: USA353 (sic) contact Cleveland Center 135.6.
<pause>
Controller: USA353 contact Cleveland Center 135.6!
<pause>
Controller: USA353 you're just like my wife you never listen!
Pilot: Center, this is USA553, maybe if you called her by the right name you'd
get a better response!
================================================================
ATC: "N123YZ, say altitude."
N123YZ: "ALTITUDE!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say airspeed."
N123YZ: "AIRSPEED!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say cancel IFR."
N123YZ: "Eight thousand feet, one hundred fifty knots indicated."
================================================================
(Scene 1: it's night over Las Vegas, information hotel is current and mooney
33W is unfamiliar and talking to approach control)
Approach: 33W confirm you have hotel.
33W: Uhhhmm, we're flying into McCarren International. Uhhhmm, we don't
have a hotel room yet.
approach control was laughing too hard to respond. The next several calls went
like this:
Approach: United 5, descend to FL220.
United 5: United 5 down to FL220; we don't have a hotel room either.
================================================================
"This is McCarren International departure information Delta. 2100 zulu,
[weather, approach information, notams, etc., etc.] Arriving aircraft contact
approach at 118... [silence] You lousy machine, why do you always do this
to me?"
================================================================
What's the difference between American pilots and Iraqi pilots? American
pilots break ground and fly into the wind.
================================================================
Leaving Palo Alto on Friday. A Citabria had just landed:
PAO: 85 Uniform, Taxi to position and hold.
Me: Position and hold, 85 Uniform.
Citabria: Umm, Tower, there's a dead seagull on the right side of the runway
near the windsock.
PAO: Roger. 85 Uniform, cleared for takeoff. Watch for a dead seagull on the
right side of the runway.
Me: 85 Uniform, Dead seagull traffic in sight.
A little later, the Citabria was downwind when I heard:
PAO: Citabria 123, cleared to land 30. Caution - there's a buzzard trying to
eat the seagull on the runway.
================================================================
Extracted from the UK CAA GASIL (general aviation safety info leaflet) Dec
1991.
Lay Radar Controller: "Can I turn you on at 7 miles?"
Airline Captain: "Madam, you can try."
================================================================
Pilot: "Golf Juliet Whiskey, request instructions for takeoff" Persons unknown:
"Open the throttle smoothly, check temperatures and
pressures rising, keep the aircraft straight using ....."
================================================================
Student pilot (who forgot to ask for surface wind) "Please pass wind"
================================================================
Lost student pilot: "Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead,
identify yourself"
================================================================
Tower: "Alpha Charlie, climb to 4000 ft for noise abatement" AC: "How can I
possibly be creating excess noise at 2000 ft?" Tower: "At 4000 ft you will
miss the twin coming at you at 2000 ft, and that is bound to avoid one hell of
a racket".
================================================================
I went out to do some touch and goes today, and the ATIS ended with a slight
twist......
"...altimeter 29.93. VFR departures advise ground control of destination and
altitude and you play golf."
Coincidentally, I called up right behind a KC-10 that was getting ready to go.
The exchange was;
"Wilmington ground, Cessna 54360 at ISO (the FBO ramp) with about a 14 handicap,
request tee time for the pattern."
[delay.....squelch breaks with laughter.......]
"Cessna 360 taxi to runway 24 behind the 10 iron, number 2 for takeoff, he's
a scratch golfer."
Seems that the controller (a trainee) wasn't privy to the ATIS tagline, and his
supervisor got a BIG kick out of all this.
================================================================
At the end of a long, bumpy ride from upstate New York to Charleston, WV several
weeks ago, I heard CRW approach talking to someone:
CRW - "By the way, N12345, I'd like to personally commend and
thank you for that outstanding effort in restoring
functionality to your transponder..." (background guffaws from several
controller co-workers)
================================================================
Several years ago I heard a pilot check in with approach control with the
following (names changed because I don't remember them):
[said with an exaggerated Southern drawl]
Birdseed Approach, Barnburner 123 with you at seven thousand, with
Information -- excuse the expression -- Yankee.
================================================================
I heard this exchange between Baltimore Approach and a C-172 about 3pm on March
1st. I missed the first part of the exchange, but the part I did hear follows.
The tail number has been changed to protect the guilty...
Balto: N12345, Type of aircraft?
N12345: Cessna 172
Balto: N12345, squawk 54xx, cleared to enter the TCA.
N12345: I don't really want to go through the TCA, I'm going north.
I just want flight following.
Balto: Ok, N12345, resume own navigation.
N12345: What?
Balto: N12345, resume own navigation.
N12345: I don't understand.
Balto: (very slowly) R e s u m e o w n n a v i g a t i o n.
N12345: What does that mean?
Balto: It means you do the navigating.
N12345: Oh. Ok.
Balto: N12345, are you aware you're approaching R-4001?
N12345: Uh, no. Tat's why I want flight following.
Balto: Oh. Which way do you want to go around it?
N12345: Which way can I go?
Balto: West or east.
N12345: I'll go west.
Balto: N12345, I suggest you find I-95 and stay west of it. Ok? N12345: Uh,
ok...west of I-95. Thanks.
================================================================
My primary instructor always told me that I fly like that famous Chinese pilot,
an Wing Lo.
================================================================
THE CAT & DUCK METHOD OF IFR FLYING:
Today's flight age is an era highlighted with increasing emphasis on safety.
Instrumentation in the cockpit and in the traffic control tower has reached
new peaks of electronic perfection to assist the pilot during take-offs,
flight, and landings. For whimsical contrast to these and other marvels
of scientific flight engineering, it is perhaps opportune to remind pilots
of the basic rules concerning the so-called Cat-and-Duck Method of Flight,
just in case something goes wrong with any of these new-fangled flying
instruments you find in today's aircraft.
Place a live cat on the cockpit floor. Because a cat always remains
upright, he or she can be used in lieu of a needle and ball. Merely watch
to see which way the cat leans to determine if a wing is low and, if so, which
one.
The duck is used for the instrument approach and landing. Because
any sensible duck will refuse to fly under instrument conditions, it is
only necessary to hurl your duck out of the plane and follow her to the
ground.
There are some limitations to the Cat-and-Duck Method, but by rigidly
adhering to the following check list, a degree of success will be achieved.
1. Get a wide-awake cat. Most cats do not want to stand up at all, at
any time. It may be necessary to get a large fierce dog in the cockpit to
keep the cat at attention.
2. Make sure your cat is clean. Dirty cats will spend all their time
washing. Trying to follow a cat licking itself usually results in a tight
snap roll, followed by an inverted (or flat) spin. You can see this is very
unsanitary.
3. Old cats are best. Young cats have nine lives, but an old used-
up cat with only one life left has just as much to lose an you do and will
therefore be more dependable.
4. Beware of cowardly ducks. If the duck discovers that you are
using the cat to stay upright - or straight and level- she will refuse to
leave without the cat. Ducks are no better on instruments than you are.
5. Be sure the duck has good eyesight. Nearsighted ducks sometimes
will go flogging off into the nearest hill. Very short-sighted ducks will
not realize they have been thrown out and will descend to the ground in
a sitting position. This maneuver is quite difficult to follow in an
airplane.
6. Use land-loving ducks. It is very discouraging to break out and
find yourself on final approach for some farm pound in Iowa. Also, the
farmers there suffer from temporary insanity when chasing crows off their corn
fields and will shoot anything that flies.
7. Choose your duck carefully. It is easy to confuse ducks with geese
because many water birds look alike. While they are very competent instrument
flyers , geese seldom want to go in the same direction you do. If your duck
heads off for the Okefenokee Swamp, you may be sure you have been given the
goose.
================================================================
"TOULOUSE,
French aviation authorities here admitted to a near-disaster which occurred
about a month ago aboard an Airbus A320 jetliner. The controversial aircraft
with its 'fly-by-wire' flight controls has been the subject of intense
controversy since its introduction. The manufacturer, a consortium of European
interests, has steadfastly maintained the aircraft's inherent safety over other
aircraft, largely as a result of the computerized controls which limit inputs
from the pilots to ensure they are always compatible with the current
aerodynamic state of the plane. Pilots and other pundits have argued that these
same safeguards can severely limit the crew's options in emergency conditions.
Additionally, they argue that the increased faith placed in the on-board
computers leads to crew complacency and inattentiveness.
"The incident in question took place while the aircraft, a British Airways
plane, was at cruise between New York and Fairbanks. The co-pilot was
apparently entering new navigational data into the craft's INS (Inertial
Navigation System) when he mistyped a code. The INS came back with 'Invalid
PIN number selected' and returned the craft's weight and balance data to the
astonished crew. 'We tried several more times," exclaimed Reginald Dwight, the
Captain, 'and every time it was the same thing. On the third try it said
"Access violation, contact your credit institution if you believe there is an
error." At that point all the plane's controls froze and it refused to respond
to our commands. We didn't know what to do, so we got on the radio."
:British Airway's mechanics were equally dumbfounded and decided to call French
mechanics. France's Aerospatial is the prime contractor for the aircraft. 'The
French were totally rude to us,' stated an unnamed BA mechanic. 'They stated
the problem was our fault and that "the pasty little Englishman probably had
too many meat pies and Guiness".' 'It wasn't until we told them that Jerry
Lewis was aboard the flight that they became concerned.'
"French mechanics traced the problem to the ATM-6000 INS computer, which was
a modified version of a computer used in the United States for bank transac-
tions. 'Essentially, the INS decided that the co-pilot was trying to rip-off
someone and locked the controls.' French authorities then assured the English
crew that the system would automatically remove the restrictions at the start
of the next banking day. 'We told them that we would be in the sea by then!'
exclaimed the frustrated copilot, Nigel Whitworth.
"A French team, headed by Bertrand Swatboutie, determined that manual control
of the plane could be re-established if a crewmember went back to the tailcone
and operated the elevators manually. The rudder is linked by backup cables to
the cockpit and with the crewmember operating the elevator they determined they
would have enough control. 'There is nothing wrong with ze plane,' exclaimed
Swatboutie, 'that a little pinch in ze rear will not cure. Just like a woman.
If these English souffres knew anything about women, they would never have had
to call us in ze first place.'
"The plane was able to safely land at Denver's Stapelton airport, where the
craft was repaired and all crewmember's credit histories reviewed."
================================================================
Sue and Bob, a pair of tightwads, lived in the midwest, and had been
married years. Bob had always wanted to go flying. The desire deepened each
time a barnstormer flew into town to offer rides. Bob would ask, and Sue would
say, "No way, ten dollars is ten dollars."
The years went by, and Bob figured he didn't have much longer, so he got
Sue out to the show, explaining, it's free to watch, let's at least watch. And
once he got there the feeling become real strong. Sue and Bob started an
argument. The Pilot, between flights, overheard, listened to their problem,
and said, "I'll tell you what, I'll take you guys up flying, and if you don't
say a word the ride is on me, but if one of you makes one sound, you pay ten
dollars."
So off they flew. The Pilot doing as many rolls and dives as he could.
Heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go, and pulling out of the dive
at just the very last second. Not a word. Finally he admitted defeat and went
back the field.
"I'm surprised, why didn't you say anything?"
"Well I almost said something when Sue fell out, but ten dollars is ten
dollars!"
================================================================
Helicopter Pilot: "Roger, I'm holding at 3000 over <such-and-such> beacon".
Second voice: "NO! You can't be doing that! _I'm_ holding at 3000 over that
beacon!"
(brief pause, then first voice again): "You idiot, you're my co-pilot."
================================================================
A tower controller at a nameless airport in the southeast had a reputation for
screwing up the most routine things...
Me: xxxxx ground, Tiger 45210, South ramp, taxi, VFR to Charlotte 5500'.
Gnd: Tiger 210 taxi.. wind... upon departure... standby for squawk.
[we taxi about 20 feet]
Gnd: 210, say altitude.
Me: 210 is at 1048', climbing to 5500'
Gnd: 210! [starting to sound annoyed] ...uh... [sounding less annoyed] ...roger.
================================================================
I was inbound from a nearby airport in a Tomahawk, while at the same time our
other Tomahawk was inbound from the practice area. We called up almost at the
same time the same distance from the airport.
Twr: 591, traffic off your left is another Tomahawk.
591 (me): 591 has the traffic in sight.
Twr: 436, traffic off your right is another Tomahawk.
436: 436 has the traffic.
[brief pause while the controller figures out that we're the same distance from
the airport, going the same speed, on nearly parallel courses.]
Twr: You guys just want to fight it out amongst yourselves?
591: You go ahead, Sam.
436: Nah, I got Rodney under the hood; we'll make a wide pattern.
591: Ok. Tower, 591 will be number 1.
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This guy was an excellent pilot, but not real good at making passengers feel
at ease.
For example, one time the airplane in front of him blew a tire on landing,
scattering chunks of rubber all over the runway. He was asked to hold while the
trucks came out and cleaned up. His announcement:
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm afraid there will be a short delay before our
arrival. They've closed the airport while they clean up what's left of the last
airplane that landed there.
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Then there was the time they were flying through turbulence. Some of the
passengers became alarmed at how much the wings were bending in the rough air
and one of the flight attendants relayed that message to the captain. His
announcement:
Ladies and gentlemen, I've been informed that some of you have noticed
our wings bending in the turbulence. In fact, the flight attendant told me that
the wing tips are bending as much as ten feet in the bumps.
Well, that's perfectly normal; there's nothing to worry about. Our
wings are designed to bend as much as thirteen feet at the tips and, as you can
see, we're nowhere near that yet.
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What's the difference between God and pilots?
God doesn't think he's a pilot.
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Then there's the pilot who dies and goes to heaven; while waiting to check in
he notices a large twin coming in high-and-hot to a nearby landing strip. The
twin pilot blows the landing--collapses the nose gear and strikes the props;
he gets out of the plane and walks away. Fifteen minutes later, same scene:
another twin, another blown landing--same guy gets out of the wrecked plane.
The fellow waiting to check in to heaven is amazed, he turns to St. Peter and
says "what's the story with the twin pilot over there?" "Oh, that's just God"
says St. Peter, "he thinks he's a surgeon."
===================================
A husband suspects his wife is having an affair with a pilot but she keeps
denying it until finally the husband just knew when his wife said:
Honey, I've told you once, I've told you twice, I've told you niner
thousand times, negative on the affair ...
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Santa Claus, upon trudging out to his sleigh for his annual night freight
trip around the world, was surprised to find a guy with a shotgun standing
next to his rig. Santa asked him why he was there. The man replied, "I'm from
the FAA, and this is an unscheduled 135 inspection. I'll ride right seat."
Santa responded, "With all due respects, sir, I've been doing this flight for
over 700 years -- but if you insist, well, let's go." As they both climbed into
the sleigh, Santa noticed that the FAA inspector brought his shotgun along with
him, placing it in his lap, with his finger on the trigger. Santa queried,
"What's the shotgun for?" To which the FAA inspector grumbled, "You're going
to lose one on takeoff..."
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